Finding Time

“I don’t have time to do this,” is a phrase I’ve uttered often. Sometimes I’ve used it as a gentle deflection, a way to keep an opportunity open without saying “I don’t want to do this.” Other times I really didn’t have time, particularly when I was speaking at more conferences in Europe and lived in Seattle. Time did become scarce, between long-haul flights, time zones shifts, exhaustion and recovery. But it was scarce in a different way, in an intentional way.

Then my daughter arrived.

Motherhood seems to stretch you thin into shattered fragments that are more fragile depending on the mother and her circumstances.

She has been a catalyst for not putting off household tasks, something that was easy to do before she arrived. Now the amount I get done in an hour is astounding to me. What was I doing with all my time before she arrived?

As soon as she goes down for a nap, I’m quietly rushing to get to my moment of creative time. I try to make the most of 20 minutes to do something I want to do creatively. Not laundry, not cleaning, not making dinner (even though I love to cook). If I get more than that, it’s a blessing and somehow more fulfilling. Suddenly it becomes crystal clear what I want to be spending my time on, and sometimes it’s hard to decide where to spend it, so I have to have an idea of what I want to get done in the day before the moment presents itself, otherwise I will bounce between three different projects (vlog, blog, designing t-shirts).

It’s an exercise in letting go and trying to ignore other chores that can wait. Chores that drain me and don’t bring me joy. If I can find a sliver of time to dedicate to a craft, it makes me feel a little bit more like me, like my identity isn’t wrapped up in only being a mom.

But finding time is difficult now and my perspective has completely changed. 30 minutes used to seem like an insignificant amount of time, easily wasted, fleeting. Now there are bottles to wash, endless laundry to fold, baby food to prepare. It suddenly starts slipping away more quickly than before and becomes the most precious thing.

Before you know it, another day has passed, gone in a blink.